New Startup: 10,000 Days

Making Life Fair Through Mandatory Death™

Thrilled to finally announce what my old friend Mark and I have been building in stealth: 10,000 Days - the world's first ethically sourced, climate-positive, AI-powered human existence optimization protocol - ensuring everyone gets exactly what they deserve: 10,000 days to live (premium packages available for those creating actual value). Mark and I have wanted to collaborate for a while, and this project is the perfect way to bring our shared vision to life. Finally solving the stubborn problem of poor people's persistent survival while eliminating millennial climate anxiety. Our AI models predict optimal extinction events at scale. Already backed by 14 governments and several actual grim reapers.

Executive Summary

10,000 Days represents a groundbreaking public-private partnership revolutionizing human existence management. Working with forward-thinking governments worldwide, we're implementing the Universal Day Allocation Protocol (UDAP) – ensuring every human receives exactly 10,000 days of life. Through our proprietary DeathFi marketplace, we enable efficient reallocation of days from resource-draining individuals to high-value humans. Blockchain-verified death certificates (NFT included) ensure transparent lifespan trading. Because why should death be the great equalizer when nothing else is? With wealth inequality reaching historic levels (Source: World Inequality Report 2023), our solution ensures optimal resource distribution through mortality management.

The Problem

Current inefficiencies in human lifespan allocation:

• Death remains stubbornly democratic

• Poor people inexplicably living full lifespans without creating shareholder value

• Billionaires tragically constrained by same mortality as their cleaners

• Millennials wasting precious days on avocado toast

• Climate guilt preventing job creators from enjoying their private jets

• GenZ experiencing climate anxiety instead of productive exit planning

• Pension systems burdened by poor people's persistent survival

• Your Uber driver has the same lifespan as Elon Musk (this is literally violence)

• Student loan debt outliving borrowers (inefficient)

• Average student debt exceeding $35,000 per borrower (Source: Federal Reserve 2023) 

Stakeholder Alignment Challenges

While our mission of equitable exit opportunities faces some resistance from pharma's outdated "prolonged suffering as a service" model (their LTV metrics require keeping users alive but unwell), traditional approaches have proven inadequate. This tension between stakeholders exemplifies why we need a more efficient solution:

• Big Pharma's "eternally sick" model: inefficient ✗

• Fluoride and aluminum: merely suppressing consciousness and creating compliant consumers, not optimizing mortality (wasted potential) ✗

• Food industry's "slow poisoning" approach: better but still too slow ✓

• Our "immediate exit" solution: optimal ✓✓

As one Premium user noted: "Why keep paying monthly subscription fees for chronic illness when you could just sell your remaining days?"

The Solution

• Implementing democratized death optimization

• Value-based lifespan allocation protocols

• Tiered mortality frameworks for wealth creators

• Productivity-linked survival metrics

• Climate-conscious population management

• Web3-enabled transparent lifespan trading

• AI-powered pension liberation system

• Gig worker mortality acceleration program

• Student debt-to-lifespan conversion protocols

Basic users can finally monetize their excess days, providing their families with up to $100 in compensation while enabling society's most valuable members to extend their productive years. A win-win that:

• Reduces global population (efficient!)

• Transfers time to those who can afford it (fair!)

• Eliminates climate anxiety through early exit (green!)

• Solves pension crisis through optimized lifespans (sustainable!)

• Student loan forgiveness speedrun (any%)

• "Rent vs. Buy vs. Exit" calculator included

Example: When a Basic user exits 3,000 days early, those days enter our marketplace where Premium users can acquire them at market rate ($2,450/day). The Basic user's family receives MORT tokens, Premium users live longer, and society benefits from extended wealth creation. Everyone wins (terms and conditions apply).

Government Partnership Program

Building on the remarkable success of existing end-of-life programs:

• Partnered with 14 national governments (23 more in final negotiations)

• Leveraging Canada's proven euthanasia infrastructure (10,000+ satisfied customers in 2021)

• Expanding on Netherlands' efficient end-of-life management (model nation status achieved)

• Integration with student loan forgiveness programs (through early exit only)

• Prison Time Buyback options for "low-impact offenders"

• Special exemptions for government officials (they suffer enough)

• Integration with existing healthcare systems (dying is now HSA eligible)

• Streamlined processing for underwater mortgage holders (debt dies with you)

• AI-powered eligibility verification

• Blockchain death certificate verification

Existence-as-a-Service™ Tiers

Basic Resource Optimization Package:

• Standard 10,000-day allocation

• Mandatory compliance enforcement

• Early exit student loan forgiveness program

• Optional: Early exit bonus for family (up to $100 in MORT tokens)

• Exclusive membership in the 27 Club (joining legends like Joplin, Hendrix & Cobain)

• "Finally Afford a House (In Heaven)" guarantee

• LinkedIn Status: Efficiently Deceased 💀

• "Last Post Ever" Instagram filter pack (verified expired status included)

Innovation Enabler Package ($10M+):

• 15,000 days guaranteed

• "Disruptor's Death Delay" NFT

• Extra 100 days per failed startup

• Featured on "Lives That Actually Matter" podcast

• Basic-tier users required to show mild respect

• Carbon credits for mid-size private jet

• Succession-style family day inheritance planning

• Exclusive access to "Living Longer, Looking Down" newsletter

• Personal Black Mirror episode writing credit

• Growth hacking through accelerated decline

Unicorn Elite Status ($50M+):

• 25,000 days minimum

• Automatic youth extension

• Basic-tier users legally required to bow

• Personal Gary Vee hologram for motivation

• Upload-inspired digital afterlife

• Unlimited carbon credits

• Option to short other people's lifespans

• Premium "Making Mortality Great Again" newsletter

• Smart contract-enabled life extension

God Mode ($1B+):

• Literal immortality (terms and conditions apply to soul)

• Bulk discount on poor people's days (minimum order: 1,000 days)

• Ability to rate others' deaths on Yelp (verified purchaser status)

• Power to declare others "inefficient resources" (no appeals process)

• Private quantum realm (poor-people free dimension)

• Time travel (beta)

• Ability to short sell family members' lifespans

• "I Made Death Optional" TED talk slot

• Vote on global mortality events through our Death Arbitration Organization (DAO)

Environmental Impact Optimization

Our innovative approach to population management:

• Population streamlining through efficient processing

• "Save The Planet By Leaving It" program (yacht and private jet credits included)

• Climate anxiety? There's an app for that

• GenZ anxiety offset credits (tradeable) on our marketplace)

• Premium users receive "Guilt-Free Existence" certification (includes existential dread transfers)

Legacy System Critique & Partnership Opportunities

Traditional approaches to population management have been tragically inefficient.

• 5G: Just giving people headaches, not solving overpopulation*

• Chemtrails: Expensive and weather-dependent

• Fluoride and aluminum: Creating docile workers when we need efficient exits

• Processed food: Too slow, too profitable for big pharma

• Social media: Making people wish they were dead (but not efficiently acting on it)

• Legacy dying practices: Insufficient data capture

*Note: Critical mass of users needed for 6G Internet of Bodies initiative - 10% of Basic tier users will be connected to the mainframe for energy harvesting and neural synchronization testing. Strategic patience required until full Matrix-style integration.

Vertical Integration Opportunities:

• Funeral home subscription model ("Pre-owned Body Marketplace")

• Cloud-based soul storage solutions

• Automated grief monetization

• End-to-end extinction management

• Trauma Monetization Platform for surviving family members

• Smart contract-enabled inheritance distribution

• Web3 memorial NFT marketplace

Market Metrics

Saskatchewan Pilot Program Results:

• 47% of eligible citizens already registered (not entirely voluntarily)

• Average day price: $2,450 (premium days trading at $125,000)

• Early exit participation rate: 8% (target: 35%)

• Customer satisfaction: 97% (surviving customers only)

• Retention rate: Technically negative, but in a good way

• Time-to-Exit Velocity: 47% faster than traditional mortality

• Average Revenue Per Death (ARPD): $2,450

Implementation Timeline

Key Performance Indicators

• Total Addressable Mortality (TAM): All of humanity

• Serviceable Affluent Mortals (SAM): Rich people

• Selectable Optimized Mortals (SOM): Rich people who think they're gods

• Burn Rate: Literally people

• Customer Acquisition Cost: Their life

• Net Promoter Score: ∞ (dead users can't complain)

• User Churn Rate: 100% (as intended)

• Monthly Active Users: Decreasing (bullish)

Early Traction

• 321% increase in "voluntary" participation since 2019

• 73% public support (wealthy public only)

• 14 government partnerships (turns out pensions are expensive)

• Several actual grim reapers on advisory board (Gates Foundation grant pending)

• Ethics advisor position intentionally vacant

• Smart contract execution rate: 100%

• Blockchain-verified departures: 47,283

What Our Users Are Saying

"Finally, a solution to the poor people problem!" - Anonymous VC 

"My portfolio companies are much more efficient now!" - Excited Investor 

"I love how this normalizes my god complex" - Tech Founder 

"Thanks for the $100 my family got when I died early!" - Basic Tier User 

"Is this legal?" - Everyone 

"Who cares if it's legal?" - Our Lawyers 

"This really streamlined our pension liabilities!" - Government Official 

"The time travel feature is worth dying for!" - Premium User (deceased) 

"An exit strategy that makes sense" - Millennial User 

Life Management for the 21st Century

Because in a world of limited resources, shouldn't they go to people with unlimited bank accounts?

For legal reasons, this is satire.
For moral reasons, this is horrifying.
For generational reasons, finally a solution to the housing crisis.
For Silicon Valley reasons, we just raised $500M at a $17B valuation.

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Sources:
[1] https://www.statista.com/chart/28130/assisted-suicide-numbers
[2] https://www.niussp.org/health-and-mortality/a-quarter-of-a-century-of-euthanasia-and-assisted-suicides
[3] https://cepr.org/voxeu/columns/assisted-suicide-laws-increase-suicide-rates-especially-among-women
[4] https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9230443
[5] https://www.forbes.com/sites/katharinabuchholz/2022/08/12/where-most-people-die-by-assisted-suicide-infographic
[6] https://news.gallup.com/poll/648215/americans-favor-legal-euthanasia.aspx
[7] https://apnews.com/article/covid-science-health-toronto-7c631558a457188d2bd2b5cfd360a867
[8] https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/padr.12605
[9] https://mindmatters.ai/2024/08/boosters-of-assisted-suicide-want-it-to-be-much-more-common

Note: All citations reference actual euthanasia and end-of-life statistics. The satire lies in their application, not their existence.